Bill Stifler with Tim Dills, Denis Kiely, and Bill Teem

Fall semester 2009 saw Chattanooga State involved in a building project that has extended beyond the expected completion date. As a consequence, faculty and staff found themselves shuttling across Amnicola Highway from the old Sears service center parking lot. Despite the obvious inconvenience, over time a sense of camaraderie developed as we spent more time with colleagues we seldom saw in our normal routines. One of my favorite TV shows is the ABC show Whose Line Is It Anyway? with Drew Carey. The following is a parody of one of their musical routines in honor of our recent campus “adventure.”

 

Songs of the Parking Lot

 

Ryan: We’re here today to present this compilation album Songs of the Parking Lot. This 16 long play vinyl set contains great songs like the Creedence Clearwater Revival hit “Whining on the River” (“Rollin’ on the River”)

 

Whining, whining, whining on the river

Whining, whining, whining on the river . . .

 

Cullen: And that’s not all. This collection features every musical genre. Take this old folk song “Cross the Amnicola” (“Oh, Shenandoah”)

 

Oh Parking Lot, I long to see you

Away, cross Amnicola

Oh, Parking Lot, I long to see you

Away, I’m Bound Away

Cross the Amnicola

 

It’s been five long months since last I saw you

Oh Faculty Parking Lot

It’s been so long, oh how I’ve missed you
Away, I’m bound away

Cross Amnicola

 

Cullen: That brings tears to my eyes.

 

Ryan: Well, then you’re going to love this old song, too, “Home to the Lot” (“Home on the Range”)

 

“Oh, give me a lot where no bulldozers roam

And the staff and the faculty park . . . “

 

and this classic folk song “Poor Bus Riding Teacher” (“Poor Wayfaring Stranger”)

 

I am a poor bus riding teacher

I have a hard road I must hoe

But there’s no parking for this creature

On that campus to which I go

 

I’m going there

To give an exam

So turn off your cell phone

I’m going over Amnicola

I’m only going over home

 

I know dirt piles

Will gather round me

I know the ride will be cramped and hot

But the asphalt they are a-pouring

Where one day will be a parking lot

 

Well I’m going there

To share some knowledge

Once I get through this construction zone

I’m going over Amnicola

I’m only going over home.

 

The fall semester will soon be over

It will disappear without a trace

Can’t believe I paid for a decal

And didn’t get a parking space

 

I’m going there

To meet with my Dean

Tell him I’m going to roam

I’m leaving this sweet Amnicola

I’m only going over home.

 

Ryan: Cullen, what would you pay for a once-in-a-lifetime collection like this?

 

Cullen: I’d pay a million dollars . . . ok . . . probably not that much.

 

Ryan: Boy, are you in luck. This 16 vinyl set can be yours for the low, low price of $500, and you will have the satisfaction of knowing that every cent of that money will go into hauling off the mountains of bad dirt, the old broken pieces of pavement, and the worn out tires from the vans and shuttle bus.

 

Cullen: Speaking of bad dirt, you don’t want to miss that Lynrd Skynrd hit “Bad Dirt Blues” or this blues number “That Old Blacktop Magic” (“That Old Black Magic”)

 

That Old Blacktop magic’s got me in its spell

That Old Blacktop magic that I loved so well

I’d drive in slowly and I’d find my place

I’d park all day and then I’d leave my space . . .

 

Cullen: And if you charge it to your credit card in the next ten minutes, we will also throw in this special bonus album, Christmas Songs of the Shuttle Bus with such perennial favorites as

 

I’ll Have a Blue Permit by Christmas

We Three Shuttle Bus Drivers

I’ll Be Parking by Christmas

O Parking Lot, O Parking Lot

Grandma Got Run Over by the Shuttle

 

Ryan: And that’s not all. With your prepaid order, you will also get this genuine free blue parking permit. “If you walked into any store and asked for an album like this, they would say you were crazy” [Billy Mays pitchline]. And don’t overlook the great rock hits on this album like “Imagine” (“Imagine” by John Lennon)

 

Imagine there’s no changes…

It’s easy if you try

A parking lot out front

Out back more, I could cry

Imagine all the students

Parking in their lot

 

You may say we’re dreamers

But we’re not just singing this tune

I hope someday we’ll park here again

But I wouldn’t count on it soon.

 

Or this hit by the Monkees, “Last Van to Sears” (“Last Train to Clarksville” by the Monkees)

 

Take the last van to Sears

And I’ll meet you at the bus cone

You have to be there by four thirty

Cause the bus driver’s going home

Don’t be slow, oh no, no, no

Oh no, no, no

 

Cullen: Ryan, you know I love Sheena Easton.

 

Ryan: Oh, yes, she is a beautiful woman with a beautiful voice.

 

Cullen: Well, do you know my favorite Sheena Easton song?

 

Ryan: No, what is it?

 

Cullen: It’s “My Teacher Takes the Morning Van” (“My Baby Takes the Morning Train”)

 

My teacher takes the morning van

He works from nine till five and then

He takes another van again

To find me waitin’ for him

 

Ryan: Cullen, that was beautiful, but I have to say, I like a little sauce in a woman’s voice, and no one is sweeter than Tammy Wynette singing “Stand By Your Van.” (“Stand By Your Man”)

 

Sometimes it’s hard to be a Chatt Stater

Trying real hard not to be a hater

You’ll have bad times

And you’ll have good times

They’ll be things you don’t understand

But you love it so you’ll forgive it

Even though you can’t understand

And if you love it

Oh be proud of it

‘Cause after all it’s just a van

Stand by your van

Give it two cheeks to rest on

And something warm to come to

When days are cold and lonely

Stand by your van

And tell the world you love it

Keep giving all that you can

Stand by your van

Stand by your van

And show the world you love it

Keep giving all that you can

Stand by your van

 

Cullen: Well, you know, I grew up in Canada, but my favorite state in the U.S. is Tennessee, and I love their state song, “Parking Lot, Tennessee” (“Rocky Top, Tennessee”)

 

Wish I was in that parking lot

Down off Amnicola Lane

Ain’t no asphalt on that parking lot

Ain’t it a big ole pain

 

Once we could park in that parking lot

Half faculty the other half staff

Wide as a Ford, long as a Cadillac

We still dream about that

 

Parking lot, you’ll always be

Home sweet home to me

Good ole parking lot

Parking lot Tennessee, parking lot Tennessee

 

Once some dozers tore up parking lot

And left a big hole to fill

Dozers still sit in that parking lot

Wonder if they always will.

 

Cars can’t park at all on parking lot

Dirt’s too soggy by far

That’s why all the folks at Chatt State

Go to Sears to park their cars

 

Parking lot, you’ll always be

Home sweet home to me

Good ole parking lot

Parking lot Tennessee, parking lot Tennessee

 

We’ve had months of cramped up parking life

Trapped like chicks in a pen

We all know it’s a pity life

Wish it were simple again

 

Parking lot, you’ll always be

Home sweet home to me

Good ole parking lot

Parking lot Tennessee, parking lot Tennessee

 

Parking lot Tennessee, parking lot Tennesee

Parking lot Tennesseee eee eee eee

 

 

Ryan: Now I know, some of you are still saying $500 is a lot of money, but when you break it down, it comes out to a little more than $2 a song, and that practically amounts to the money you saved in gas and road wear by not driving onto the campus parking lot all semester.

 

Cullen: Speaking of which, you don’t want to miss this great Josh Turner country hit

“Chatt State Bus” (“Long Black Train”)

 

There’s a Chatt State Shuttle,

Comin’ down the line,

Feedin’ off the teachers that are lost and cryin’,

Wheels of sin, only evil remains

Watch out brother for that Chatt State Bus

 

Look to the heavens

You can look to the skies

You won’t find redemption

Staring back into your eyes

There’s no protection and no

Peace the same, burnin’ your ticket for that

Chatt State Bus

 

Oh, there’s cryin’ at the school today

Cryin’ at the school

Hang on brother, don’t you feel no shame

Just forget your riding on

that Chatt State Bus

 

There’s some old driver on that Chatt State Bus,

Makin’ you wonder if the ride is worth the pain,

He’s just a hoping that your heart will say

Let me ride on that Chatt State Bus,

 

Oh, there’s cryin’ at the school today

Cryin’ at the school

Hang on sister, don’t you feel no shame

Just forget your riding on

that Chatt State Bus

 

(This here’s the musical interlude)

 

Well, I can see him comin’ from a mile away,

It looks so frightful

But I can’t get away

That bus is a terror, makin’ everybody stare

But its only destination is the Sears parking lot,

But, there’s victory at the school today,

Victory at the school

The pavin’s over and the lot is done

Oh, I won’t be riding on that Chatt State Bus

 

I said hang on tight, cause the pavin’s done

And don’t go ridin’ on that Chatt State Bus

Yeah, watch out sister for that Chatt State Bus

Tammy Swenson’s drivin’ that Chatt State Bus

 

 

 

Thanks to Tim Dills for the lyrics to “Poor Bus Riding Teacher,” “Imagine,” “Last Van to Sears,” “My Teacher Takes the Morning Van,” “Stand By Your Van,” and “Parking Lot, Tennessee.” Thanks to Denis Kiely for the suggestion of the Billy Mays pitchline, and to Bill Teem, who suggested several Christmas album titles. Thanks also to Drew Carey and the Whose Line cast for their inspiration.

 

P.S. To further our parking woes, a sinkhole has appeared in the faculty parking in front of the Industrial Tech building. We may actually become the College on the River if we get more rain.

© Bill Stifler, 2009